music hunts me

I don't really listen to music.  If I have a choice I prefer podcasts (which are my love see below for a list of my current faves) or some kind of teaching.  I love interviews about people I'm interested in.

So I have a different relationship with music than most people.
It kind of takes me over.  Not necessarily in a good way.

I watch the people around me listen to music while they work and I am completely incapable of such behavior.  If I'm listening to music, I'm listening to music.  It's hard for me to do other things at the same time.  Don't get me wrong.  I multitask.  I'm a girl and I have ADD... multitasking isnt really a choice for me.  Unless music is involved.  Then it's a one track mind.

Music sometimes hunts me.  It's like I'll hear a piece of a song and then that song is playing all the time and it won't leave me alone.  I know everyone gets a song stuck in their head, but it's so distracting for me.  It's like being interrupted by a child over and over while trying to do something.  It won't leave me a alone and I feel as though I have to exorcise the song from my mind.

And so I go back to not listening to music.  It's more peaceful in here without the soundtrack.

encouragement & faith

Oh friend, how do I encourage you?  You are so downtrodden and disillusioned.  You know God is good and yet doubt His goodness because of circumstances.  It's so our humanity that stands in the way of understanding God.   

My heart is heavy for you.  

I see how our own attempts to control our lives can hinder our walk with God.  I see it with such clarity in my own life and still I choose my attempts at control or escape vs. allowing God to lead me down the path to His will.  I think of Daniel, who regardless of circumstances stood for God and refused to be burdened by the world around him.  Even to the point of being alone and plotted against... thrown in a lions den.  I want to be that brave in the face of all that the enemy throws at me, the world discourages me and my own failings frustrate me.  

I want that bravery--that faith --for you too.  I want you to choose this day whom you serve and trust Him for every provision.  Today, tomorrow and your future.  I encourage you to trust God.  You know He's big enough, but your own fear and thinking cloud your understanding of Him.  I'm praying that God will reach down and touch you.  That He will give you peace.  That you will loosen the hand clutched around your life and open it; giving it all to Him.  That if brokenness is the way through to the other side, you will lay before Him broken and free.  That would would claim the promises of God and hold tight to them knowing He is in control and that you can trust Him.

I always see myself in the future looking back on whatever my current difficult circumstance is and I think what I would like to be true of myself during this time.  I want to be the parent who trusts God for the future of their child -- even if he never turns his life around.  Even if he ends up dead at an early age.  

Even if.... 
I want my faith to be fully reliant on my Creator because He is I AM.  I look at all the destruction of lives that have come before me and desire to be a beacon to others that regardless of my circumstances God is good.  That's what I want to see.

I know our lives are different and our faith is different.  I pray that you would feel the boldness of Jesus and His resurrection power that He can and will conquer whatever lies in your life that stands between you  giving it all to Him.

Let go of your control.  Seek intimacy with Him and his people.  Do what you know to do and Trust God for the results.  Even if it takes another year.  Even if it takes 2 more years.  Be joyful in today and His provision and shout that it is enough, not because it's what you want, but because it is what God has provided.  Let your life be a celebration of the manna offered daily to you.

Lord, be with us.  Help us see you are enough.  Help us see Your provision.  Let us lift up our fear, our loneliness and our control to you sacrificially as an offering to You.  
Be with us Lord.
Amen.

feeling blue

I'm generally a fairly happy person.  I may have mentioned this before.)  I'm in the middle of a blue period.  I don't care for it.  It's day 3 of unhappiness and it's a form of torture to be here.  I just want it to stop.

I think...  I need more coffee.  (because coffee is always the answer... oh wait, no that's Jesus.  Jesus is always the answer.)
Coffee doesnt help.
Chocolate?  No dice.
Yes, I am reaching out to Jesus.  I'm praying though not enough.  I'm so uncomfortable that I find myself playing the Netflix and Escape game more than the be still and wait on God responsible activity.

I know --I hope/I believe -- being still and letting God closer will make me feel better.  Why don't I do it?  What silliness or contention is stopping me from at least some kind of relief?  I do not understand myself.

The struggle is real my friends.  It is real.

So I think about how other people feel this way all the time.  I think, man, I'm so happy this isn't too constant in my life.  It's such a burden to bear.  My heart softens a little at this thought.  It is a burden to carry these emotions around.  To be kind to others when you're finding it difficult to be kind to yourself.  To share a smile or work hard at your job when you feel like there is something wrong inside to the point of distraction.

I sit with that for a bit.  It's been banging around inside my head all day actually.  As one of my favorite bloggers reminds us... DEPRESSION LIES!  I know it's not truth.  I wish so much that I could help others understand just how much depression lies and that we can be free of the spiral of self hatred and unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

So... tonight.  I will try to spend more time with God.  I will try to do something productive that I can at least have a few checkmarks on my day as accomplishments.  And tomorrow.  Tomorrow is another day.  (yeah, I just did that.)

Recipe for a better day:

• good nights sleep
• start with God
• COFFEE
• practice smiling
• take a little extra time getting ready so I feel good about myself
• try to stay busy at work
• go on a walk at lunch
• eat decent
• B vitamins

We'll see how I do.

Anger

I'm so angry.

I'm angry with my prodigal boy and his seemingly determined decisions to NOT move forward in life.

I'm angry at his failure to launch.

I'm angry at my failure as his mother to better prepare him for launching.

I'm angry at my bulldozer personality that so often chose not to listen to his father, but was so set on my own way being the right way.

I'm angry at all the things I know I did wrong as a parent.

I'm angry at my prodigal for refusing to stay on medication and allow it to do him some good.

I'm angry at him for letting depression get a foothold constantly and thus making forward motion that much harder.

I'm angry that he refused to work more and have the money needed to take care of himself.

I'm angry at all the things that have transpired that make  our finances so difficult and scary.

I'm angry at our landlord for not fixing all the things we want fixed.

I'm angry that I  hate cleaning and see such evidence of that around me.

Did I mention I'm angry?

For the love of prodigals

My prodigal is my first born.

He has always been a spirited child.  He is high energy and curious and takes after his mother and my slightly contentious attitude.

He is charming.  He can light up a room and make someone feel good about themselves.

He is engaging.  He is passionate.  He gets involved in something and wants to take it on.  He wants to master something and be good at it, but sometimes gets discouraged at the difficulty.

I know all mothers think their children are attractive, but my son is attractive.  His big brown eyes and the puppy dog look he's mastered over the years can sway you.

He's articulate.  You often don't realize he's as young as he is when talking to him because he sounds older and more mature than he really is.

He can write beautifully.  There is a poet inside of him.  His stories and lyrics are beautiful.

I just wanted to write some beautiful things about my prodigal to remind myself they are there.

noisy

I'm at work, doing something repetitive.  This offers the opportunity to listen to a book on tape (Audible is my friend).  I talk to the characters.  I don't always realize I'm doing it.  I'm kind of in the zone of work and book.  
I comment on the story or a plot twist...
"Oh my!"
"No!?"
I laugh.
Sometimes people ask me if I'm talking to them.  Um, no, I'm actually talking to my book.

I listen to books when I'm out and about too.  I talk to the people (in my book) while in public.  (I now wonder if people just give me a wide berth or if they assume I'm on the phone since that's a thing now.)

I realize... I am noisy.

I laugh loud and often.  My laugh is rather instantly recognizable as my own.  In fact, I've been recognized by people having just heard my laugh bursting forth (while perusing humorous greeting cards, alone, in a store, just for the sake of enjoying them).  

I talk loud.  Lord only knows what I'll be like when I start losing my hearing.

Wait, what?
Oh, 12:30.

Sorry, that's an ongoing joke I have with my Mom (69) who is losing her hearing, and my daughter (15).

I have a friend who I describe to others as "making me look quiet or introverted."  What I find so fun about this description is that she describes me the same way.  (I wonder who's right?)

I find that I often whisper what I'm writing.  I catch myself doing this all the time.  Is that normal?

One thing I do that I know everyone does is talk to other people while driving.  I'll admit, I'm not always saying the nicest things, but sometimes I say... "Oh go ahead, you're probably having a bad day and I hope my letting you get over at the last possible minute helps you get to where you're going on time."  But... that's probably not the most common comment I make.

I talk to the TV.  I comment on what's going on, or that person should look behind them, or really, did they just say that?

My husband doesn't really like to sit near me in the movies.  I sincerely don't even realize I'm doing it.  I make comments while in the theater.  Honestly, I would probably drive myself crazy if I were more aware of it.  I do try to be quiet.  Maybe that's why I started whispering to myself when I write or type.  A way to use up more of the words I have stored for daily use inside my brain.  

Once, another friend and I ended up at the same IHOP for breakfast with our kids.
They heard me laugh

Kids:  "Oh Miss B is here!"
Mom:  "Oh, wow, is my laugh that loud?!"
Kids:  "No Mom, you're louder!"

Then my kids had the exact same conversation with me... but in that conversation, I was louder.  I guess that goes to slight embarrassment factor.  Though my daughter claims she is now inoculated against being embarrassed by me.  (I could totally get my son though!) 

So... this is me saying... yes.  I'm noisy.
I talk to myself.
I talk to the radio.
I talk to the TV.
I talk to my audio books.
I LOVE talking to people (I don't mind listening either...)
I talk when I'm writing.
I talk in my sleep.

But I'm OK with it.

(possibly because I am not on the receiving end of most of it... but, possibly because I'm just mostly OK with me.) ♥

cough...sputter... surrender

My new favorite devotional is With God by Skye Jethani.

https://skyejethani.com/with-god-daily-devotional/

It's short, he links to scripture, even includes a prayer at the end (though with my current life I don't always have time to get down that far).

More importantly, it's deep.  He builds day to day on the same topic and I find that is really powerful in my life.  Do you ever notice how God speaks to you in multiple ways when He's trying to get your attention?
You hear a sermon at church. You hear the same message in a clip on the radio.  A similar issue comes up in the life of a friend (and now 'magically' you have scripture to pray over them because you've heard it a few times already).  A song comes on the radio and it speaks to that same message from God.  Hey girl, God is speaking to you!  Do you hear His voice?  I hear Him all the time.  I have a friend who like really hears Him.  She's so close to God He practically directs her day.  It's beautiful.  

My message of late is (cough, sputter) surrender.
Can I share that I hate that word?  It makes me afraid and fear is not something I suffer from.  I'm not a worrier, I don't ring my hands over issues generally.  I'm far too pragmatic for such behavior.  Yet, if you enter the word surrender into my life, suddenly I worry, "Oh no, what is God going to ask me for?"  "Do I have to give up everything and go work on a missionary field without access to a good manicurist and my daily cup of oh so carefully made coffee?"*  or worse, will He take me somewhere away from daily access to a computer?  Egaads what would I do? 

The answer to that is... I would, nay -- I will -- do what God calls me to do.
My fear of surrender involves several things.
1.  Giving up my belief that I'm in control.
2.  Giving up my belief that there is control to be had.
3.  Realizing God has the BEST plan for me.
4.  Realizing all my plans are for not without His blessing and guidance.

When I fear being homeless due to some catastrophic event... I hear the Holy Spirit whisper in my ear, I'll be with you should that happen.  Then I think, of the people we are most inspired by, who among them hasn't endured some kind of tragedy?  Who hasn't walked through a fire holding fiercely to Jesus as their endurance?

And I think... OK, surrender.
God's will for my life.
How courageous am I?




*Some could say I don't even drink coffee.  I drink Folgers instant in very specific measure with creamer and sugar.  I don't even let others make it for me.  But still, I love my coffee.

sad chickens?

I sent a friend at work this...
me:

friend:  has feathers

me: how does one know the chicken is unhappy?

friend:    he looks sad

me:  ha ha ha

friend:  cluuuuuck....sniff... cluuuuuck

I love my friends!!!

repentance

I was talking with a friend of mine and had a wonderful revelation.

I have always struggled with understanding some things.  Like, how could David be such a SINNER and be called a man after God’s own heart and righteous and yet part of me identifies with that combination.  I always secretly believed that I could sin and still love God and be close to Him.  There are obviously many issues that come along with that like guilt and the sin separating me from God – except that the sin only separates me from God it doesn’t separate God from me.  God never leaves me.  He never forsakes me.  I forsake Him because of my own guilt.  The parable of the prodigal shows me that.  I believe people who say they are homosexual and love God.  I do not find those two things automatically mutually exclusive because if they are people who commit adultery or have sex outside of marriage but have hetero sex are in big trouble.

I’ve always been taught that repentance means to feel sorry for my sin and then turn away from it.  But that is not the Greek/Biblical definition of repentance.  The Greek definition is to turn away, to be changed from it. (http://biblesuite.com/greek/3340.htm)  This sits well with me.  How else could David be a man after God’s own heart and still commit the egregious sins he committed? 

I wonder how much the enemy has kept us from by keeping us focused on our own guilt instead of on following God balls out (if you’ll excuse the expression) failures and all and just keep going after all He is and all He wants for us.  Our guilt stops us in our tracks because we have the idea that God holds it against us when He tells us he doesn’t.  He gives the example of a loving father (not a bad father) to show us who He is.  He gives us the example of the prodigal who wants to go his own way and takes all God has to give and lives the life he thought he wanted to live and finds himself at the bottom only to discover he’s homesick and wants his daddy again.  When he goes home, there is Dad with open arms waiting expectantly to throw a party for his son’s return.  Is that how you feel after you sin and turn back to God?  Or do you still feel like you’re not good enough?  Like you have to “pay” for what you’ve done.  I think we convince ourselves that some payment is due even though perhaps we don’t give a voice to that semi-unconscious belief.

Throw off all that hinders you.

I am becoming renewed.
I am excited!
I can’t wait to hear what else God wants to tell me.

where's the webcam? are you watching me??

The conversation on the attached link is disturbingly familiar to my daily attempts to focus on real work.

Except I don't usually have conversations with weasels.  Possibly because I don't own one (live or stuffed).  I do have a little stuffed moose creatively names "Moosey" by my kids and I.  He has been with us for many many years and gets lost for long periods of time and then we find him again and everybody cheers.  We love a good reunion.

If left to my own devices, I will often "come to" and see that I have 25 or more different windows open and have no idea what time it is.  Of course, I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing. :)

Last night I was home with only my son, who was busy playing video games on Xbox Live and making up super annoying voices for some of the characters in the game.  My cats were hiding upstairs because it was so bad.  I sat down with my computer and "poof" 2 hours were gone.  I didn't even turn on the TV which I normally do.  I just went into the Interwebs Land!

http://thebloggess.com/2013/05/me-and-the-internet/


things I cannot unknow:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scaphism  I feel ill.  Seriously... pause and think before clicking, this is about ways to torture people.  (from the Weasel's list of unusual ways to die)
I need to find pictures of bunnies with pancakes on their head now.

Oh no... you can die from this???
1410: Martin of Aragon died from a combination of indigestion and uncontrollable laughing.^[23]
Quick, I think I need a doctor!


Going back and reading the comments I'm realizing I am so not alone!!  Half the things people posted I also thought!  Love it!!




 

brilliant by day, dud otherwise

Seriously, during my (real) work day I am brilliant.
I have so many ideas I don't have the opportunity to write about because I think the people that give me that paycheck every week might object to my writing a blog post.

I need a way to capture these ideas without taking lots of time away.
Anybody know of a magic memory idea or device?  Some chip I can slip behind my ear that will grab these thoughts and ideas so that I don't keep losing them?

sigh

1 year ago

Post from last march (on another blog I started and didn't keep up with)

This is the first day of the rest of my life.
OK, every day really is the first day.
Today I am taking a step forward in my faith and in my life.
This past retreat weekend I made some changes.

I realized I stepped away from God for a while.
I've been very discouraged.

Trying to make my marriage and my family work.
Trying to have a marriage that isn't in separate rooms all the time.  Where my husband doesn't want to hide in his man cave but be a part of what's going on. 

Trying to be the person I see inside of me but never seem to produce.

So Lord, here we go.  I can see that while I trust in you, I've still been trying awfully hard to do all this in my own strength.  It needs to be Your strength because I think it's pretty obvious, I haven't done so well.


I had a very difficult 2012.  I had a major crisis of faith that is still playing out a bit, but I've mostly decided that not believing in / following God is a life I am not particularly interested in living.  Though my faith isn't so strong as it was and I do miss that.

celebrating weight loss -- with ice cream

So I joined Weight Watchers again.
I don't really like counting points, but the general idea of weighing in weekly does impact my food choices.

however, stubborn as ever... I weighed in yesterday and learned that I lost .7 lbs (hey... it was a loss so I'm happy.)

I celebrated with chips and hot cheese dip for lunch.
Which sat in my stomach all day and generally made me not feel so great.

Then when I got home, I had ice cream for dinner.  Though in fairness, that's all I had.

Do I know how to celebrate weight loss or what!!!

Perhaps I need to buy a home scale and start weighing daily?  hmmmm

Signs of wisdom..... if you look deep enough

From an email...
Thanks K

I love stuff like this.  Especially when there is no threat of some level of impending personal doom if I don't share it with 10 people.  (For the record, I automatically delete those.)

why we need friends

At work, I am a square peg.  I don't quite fit in.  I'm too loud, too fun, too -- everything.  I ultimately think that these qualities have a good impact on the work place.
 
Sometimes I feel a bit "picked on" because my foibles stand out a bit more than those of the next 10 people.
 
today, I was pulled aside and told to clean my desk "before somebody says something."
Um, but you just said something...
 
So I complained to my friend K.
 
Me:   They told me to clean my desk AGAIN!
K:      again?

Me:   And I look down the aisles at some of the desks here and think REALLY?  I need to clean my desk?!   Why is the standard different for me?  Like I used to get picked on for things I wore and now there's that one girl and she dresses so unprofessional.  Does anybody say anything to her?

K:     That I don't know.

Me:   Oh no, K! I've become one of THEM!!!

K: 



 

Me: 

 

 

 

 

They've gotten under my skin and I'm becoming...

ack...

corporate!

 

K:    Come on... don't be a douche canoe*

(insert very loud 1 note laughter as I catch myself from being "inappropriate" at work)

 

Me:  did you hear that?

OMG...

I totally LOL'd

 

K:  thought so

 

B:  now I'm crying!

oh man!

I applaud your perfection!

 

K:  I try, sometimes I'm on.

 

Me:  OK, all that stress -- gone!

 

K:  YAY!

K:   wait til the day they come to you and say you don't look busy enough because there's nothing on your desk

 

 

*you're welcome!