I think... I need more coffee. (because coffee is always the answer... oh wait, no that's Jesus. Jesus is always the answer.)
Coffee doesnt help.
Chocolate? No dice.
Yes, I am reaching out to Jesus. I'm praying though not enough. I'm so uncomfortable that I find myself playing the Netflix and Escape game more than the be still and wait on God responsible activity.
I know --I hope/I believe -- being still and letting God closer will make me feel better. Why don't I do it? What silliness or contention is stopping me from at least some kind of relief? I do not understand myself.
The struggle is real my friends. It is real.
So I think about how other people feel this way all the time. I think, man, I'm so happy this isn't too constant in my life. It's such a burden to bear. My heart softens a little at this thought. It is a burden to carry these emotions around. To be kind to others when you're finding it difficult to be kind to yourself. To share a smile or work hard at your job when you feel like there is something wrong inside to the point of distraction.
I sit with that for a bit. It's been banging around inside my head all day actually. As one of my favorite bloggers reminds us... DEPRESSION LIES! I know it's not truth. I wish so much that I could help others understand just how much depression lies and that we can be free of the spiral of self hatred and unhappiness and dissatisfaction.
So... tonight. I will try to spend more time with God. I will try to do something productive that I can at least have a few checkmarks on my day as accomplishments. And tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day. (yeah, I just did that.)
Recipe for a better day:
- good nights sleep
- start with God
- practice smiling
- take a little extra time getting ready so I feel good about myself
- try to stay busy at work
- go on a walk at lunch
- eat decent
- B vitamins
We'll see how I do.