feeling blue

I'm generally a fairly happy person.  I may have mentioned this before.)  I'm in the middle of a blue period.  I don't care for it.  It's day 3 of unhappiness and it's a form of torture to be here.  I just want it to stop.

I think...  I need more coffee.  (because coffee is always the answer... oh wait, no that's Jesus.  Jesus is always the answer.)
Coffee doesnt help.
Chocolate?  No dice.
Yes, I am reaching out to Jesus.  I'm praying though not enough.  I'm so uncomfortable that I find myself playing the Netflix and Escape game more than the be still and wait on God responsible activity.

I know --I hope/I believe -- being still and letting God closer will make me feel better.  Why don't I do it?  What silliness or contention is stopping me from at least some kind of relief?  I do not understand myself.

The struggle is real my friends.  It is real.

So I think about how other people feel this way all the time.  I think, man, I'm so happy this isn't too constant in my life.  It's such a burden to bear.  My heart softens a little at this thought.  It is a burden to carry these emotions around.  To be kind to others when you're finding it difficult to be kind to yourself.  To share a smile or work hard at your job when you feel like there is something wrong inside to the point of distraction.

I sit with that for a bit.  It's been banging around inside my head all day actually.  As one of my favorite bloggers reminds us... DEPRESSION LIES!  I know it's not truth.  I wish so much that I could help others understand just how much depression lies and that we can be free of the spiral of self hatred and unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

So... tonight.  I will try to spend more time with God.  I will try to do something productive that I can at least have a few checkmarks on my day as accomplishments.  And tomorrow.  Tomorrow is another day.  (yeah, I just did that.)

Recipe for a better day:

• good nights sleep
• start with God
• COFFEE
• practice smiling
• take a little extra time getting ready so I feel good about myself
• try to stay busy at work
• go on a walk at lunch
• eat decent
• B vitamins

We'll see how I do.

thoughts on the business of work

i so love reading.  One of the reasons I'm in love with the internet is the ability to find so many ideas and opinions.  What's especially exciting is finding sites where the writing and ideas are well thought out, intelligent and even witty.  That, my friend, is a gold mine.

The newest site to thus far fall under that category is medium.

My first post from this site was sent by a lovely friend.
I'm nice, so I'll share it below.  it does help if you have already been following the 'tiny house' world and even better if you've found yourself imagining living in one.  Perhaps a small commune of tiny houses (that's a particular favorite idea of mine with maybe a little club house to fulfill the larger gatherings we sometimes choose to be a part of.  And of course, a craft room because there ain't no way all my craft stuff will fit in a tiny house.)
Tiny House Humor here (note language involved)

So having worked in various sized companies in corporate America and smaller companies, and working for myself... I have perhaps a different view (or perhaps the same view as everyone else... it's not something I've had much opportunity to discuss yet).

I read the following article.

Grilling the Government about the On-Demand Economy

I have thought about the 'on demand' economy and now have a term for it.  Thank you.  I tend to lean towards the opportunity for people to work for themselves and yet totally see the importance of protecting people/employees/contractors on the lower rungs of the workforce.  Not everyone is in a position to protect themselves.

I appreciate the tension between contractors and employees and am frustrated by the lack of morality that allows people to pursue the almighty $$$ over being fair and taking appropriate care of your people (contractors or employees).  I thought the laws on the definition were reasonably clear.  I don't personally think Uber drivers are employees.  However, I can see a housekeeper, who has hours and a set schedule, who comes daily/weekly could be one.  We just need to do the right thing.

Perhaps the problem is that nobody asked ME! :)

I also learned a new word.  It is an attitude I'm sad to say I have seen run rampant at many companies.  

fungible
adjective
(of good contracted for without an individual specimen being specified) able to replace or be replaced by another identical item; mutually interchangeable.
"money is fungible--money that is raised for one purpose can easily be used for another"

People really aren't fungible.  There should be some of this, cross training, ability to switch roles and learn new things, but you can't swap out a 20 year veteran at a company for a 20 year old on his first job.  That experience and knowledge have value.

Upon further thought, our governments do this with earmarked funds all the time.  Remember when California voted to allow the lottery with the understanding that it would "fund education" and thus would be this boon to our state?  Well, the government just took money out of the education budget in other ways leaving education without this anticipated financial benefit.  Way to go California.  (note sarcasm if it isn't one of your languages)
 

women in the church

We have it all wrong because we don’t understand how Paul wrote and what God means.

Does Jesus condemn woman as filthy and seductive?  Does He say that our speech is not to be heard?

Does Jesus say that women are less than men?  Less morally capable?  Less intelligent?

Well, the Talmud (oral Jewish law, Pharisees were famous for it… adding to THE Law from God)

Nowhere in the OT does God say that women cannot speak in church.

Go ahead and check. J

Apparently the Talmud does say to silence women.  This sounds much more like a Muslim teaching to me and since they are all from the same line, it’s not a stretch that this teaching would be in both systems.

The Talmud clearly affirms the silence of females:
“A woman’s voice is prohibited because it is sexually provocative” (Talmud, Berachot 24a).
“Women are sexually seductive, mentally inferior, socially embarrassing, and spiritually separated from the law of Moses; therefore, let them be silent” (summary of Talmudic sayings).

“It is a shame for a woman to let her voice be heard among men” (Talmud, Tractate Kiddushin).
“The voice of a woman is filthy nakedness” (Talmud, Berachot Kiddushin).

Does this sound like the voice of Jesus?  Do you think this is the kind of thing He said to the woman at the well?  To the adulteress the crowd was trying to stone?  Does it even sound like Paul?  It really doesn’t.  It sounds like man’s heart.  Like his desire to control and rule over things.  Look around the world and where greed and corruption flourish man is in control without being accountable to God.  Without a relationship with the creator of the world who desires an ongoing and intimate relationship with us.  What I really see above is that man’s heart is evil and corruptible if they think that every time a woman opens her mouth it is sexually provocative.  Typically, in our culture it is men who have the stronger sex drive.  I think it interesting that they try to put their own sins upon the woman.

I don’t see the Bible teaching that spiritual gifts are based on what chromosomes you have.  They are not dependent upon the sex of the recipient.  Thus, woman can have the gifts of teaching and pastorship. 

You can read more at THIS BLOG.
(THISis really good too, though I warn my Catholic friends, you will not like what she has to say)

And my new mantra for when people talk about how wives are to submit to their husbands is to reply… and husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church, even to the point of laying down their life for them.  That’s the kind of man I will submit to!

fighting the good fight

Depression sucks.
That could be my whole post. Ha
Man, I hit a wall last night and it may have fallen on me because I was completely useless today.  I've been listening to some really good teaching on how God loves us and wants all these good things for us (vs. the typical God is angry with you because you screwed up...again, though I find that most of today's churches actually have a pretty good spin on that so you don't necessarily realize you are feeling condemned).  I was angry and sad and angry and did I mention sad?  I hid in my room all day and grouched at my kids and then realized that this is super self destructive and I have to snap out of it because I do have a job and need to go to work tomorrow. 
Work is usually a good place to be because they keep me busy.
However, the next two months will be a series of events focused on cleaning the office and throwing things away and while I can intellectually appreciate how good that process is, I feel condemned by it and it makes me angry and... frustrated and generally puts me in a bad mood.  So I have to work extra hard to keep myself behaving appropriately.  They generally don't care for people being grouchy.  Especially not me because I'm generally not.

OK, this was a useless post.  I'm going to go back to watching TV now.  Thanks for listening.
Say goodnight Gracie.

Goodnight Gracie.

bra rant

warning... any men reading this will want to skip this week.

OMG!  There is a spider right next to me!!!!!
OK, now it is outside.  Disaster averted.  Whew.  I didn't even scream!  I'm so proud of myself.


I have been blessed/cursed with a formidable breast size.  I don't know why the makers of such things are so convinced that the only thing I want to wear is black, white, or nude colored bra's.

I go to stores like Lane Bryant and shop their bra's which, I will admit, I've had better success with than other places.  Do you know what bra's I own?  White, nude (I think they try to dress up the color by calling it "sugar"), black.

I recent found the most comfortable bra ever and for someone with a large chest this is on par with a miracle.  Most of the time by lunch I have to start talking myself out of whipping my bra off because it's just not socially acceptable.  They become so uncomfortable (bras that is).  I don't always even make it home before the sigh of relief known by every woman in America escapes from me the moment that bra is off! 

Then I found these Cushion Comfort Bra's and I am barely aware of wearing them!  Some genius added padding all around the under wire so they are way more comfortable and I don't hurt at the end of the day.  This is now the only bra I will wear.  They seem to offer colors, but they don't offer many and they sell out so quickly it's obvious they need to have more inventory on them.  The distributors probably make 5 in my size and they sell out before I even know they are there.  Plus, since they only offer a few in my size, they are never on sale which means I'm stuck paying a boat load of money for all my bras.  I'm a bargain shopper, this irks me.

At the end of the day, I suppose it doesn't "matter" what color bra I'm wearing.  Nobody but me really knows it's there.  But still! 

So my other rant is concerning my daughter.  WHY IS EVERY BRA OUT THERE A PUSH UP BRA?  I mean really?!!  Have we become such a ridiculous culture that even C or D cups are push up now?  and I don't mean lined or support I mean like "hey girls we can increase you by 2 cup sizes with this little baby, come on over and let's crank that chest up to porn star status in a jiffy."  (Do porn stars wear bras?  I guess for a minute they do.  hmmm, you know what I mean.) 

My daughter just wants a pretty bra that doesn't add to what she already has.  Support, coverage, something pretty.  Not a huge list of things needed for an undergarment.  Perhaps the makers of these bras are all overachievers and they can't stop adding features until there is nothing else they can really add.  Maybe the creators of bras actually need a support group to work on their self esteem so they can stop adding more and more and more.  Because sometimes, less is enough.

Sigh...
Maybe I should become a bra designer and then I will realize that the capitalism behind everything makes pleasing everyone a fiscal impossibility.

Any suggestions?
What is your bra rant?

My life, am I actually going to say more isn't more?  I don't think that's ever come out of my mouth before.  Not seriously anyway.

brilliant by day, dud otherwise

Seriously, during my (real) work day I am brilliant.
I have so many ideas I don't have the opportunity to write about because I think the people that give me that paycheck every week might object to my writing a blog post.

I need a way to capture these ideas without taking lots of time away.
Anybody know of a magic memory idea or device?  Some chip I can slip behind my ear that will grab these thoughts and ideas so that I don't keep losing them?

sigh

1 year ago

Post from last march (on another blog I started and didn't keep up with)

This is the first day of the rest of my life.
OK, every day really is the first day.
Today I am taking a step forward in my faith and in my life.
This past retreat weekend I made some changes.

I realized I stepped away from God for a while.
I've been very discouraged.

Trying to make my marriage and my family work.
Trying to have a marriage that isn't in separate rooms all the time.  Where my husband doesn't want to hide in his man cave but be a part of what's going on. 

Trying to be the person I see inside of me but never seem to produce.

So Lord, here we go.  I can see that while I trust in you, I've still been trying awfully hard to do all this in my own strength.  It needs to be Your strength because I think it's pretty obvious, I haven't done so well.


I had a very difficult 2012.  I had a major crisis of faith that is still playing out a bit, but I've mostly decided that not believing in / following God is a life I am not particularly interested in living.  Though my faith isn't so strong as it was and I do miss that.

outrage

The scandals currently rocking our government create outrage in me.
Honestly, Bill Clinton is looking pretty good.  In fact, when I saw this image...

I laughed!

To say that this was not politically motivated -- seriously, how stupid do people think we are?  Or perhaps it isn't stupidity they count on but apathy.  We are so bombarded by information, work, responsibility, opportunity, and entertainment options!  It can be difficult to choose how to spend our time.

I know I struggle with this.  I am a volunteer at heart.  I love to be involved.  To influence, to plan, to help, to organize, to research even.  But all that needs to be balanced with my roll as wife, mother and employee.  Because all the other opportunities available to me are not viable without the other rolls having stability (or at least some semblance of stability).

Our government has made a wrong turn.  I am a small government person.  I think that we as humanity work far better when we are responsible for ourselves and when someone within our society is in need -- the community around them are the ones to come to their aid.  When we take the embarrassment of welfare and such handouts away, we create the opportunity for people to take advantage of the system because it no longer has any accountability to those offering the charity.  I truly believe that the welfare system has a huge role in damaging our culture and our country. 

Note, I am not saying that some kind of welfare system is not needed!  I'm not saying that we should shame people who are unable to work or have "good" reasons for needing help. I believe when we took that responsibility out of the church and the immediate community that individuals live in we created corruption. 

I hate the Nanny state we are creating and wish we could scratch the system that has been empowered and start over.  We could start by removing EVERY SINGLE SPECIAL ENTITLEMENT PROGRAM enjoyed by ANYONE in ANY position of Government.  All of Congress should be on the same health care as the average person.  There should be term limits and nobody should be allowed to make a career out of politics.  It should be a servants role not an elitists role!  I hate the elitism in our government!  they now only listen to people who have money or can further their own careers because we have allowed a system that fosters and I believe encourages that behavior.  We as a people don't hold our representatives accountable. 

How do we fix this?  I'm not even sure we can, but how do we sit back and let one of the greatest countries ever just slip further and further into a pit of selfishness and greed?  How do we not fight for what is right? 

Can't we please care!  Can we give up 1 TV show a week and spend that time being active in our community and being aware of what's going on around us?  Trying to do something to stop this slide?

why we need friends

At work, I am a square peg.  I don't quite fit in.  I'm too loud, too fun, too -- everything.  I ultimately think that these qualities have a good impact on the work place.
 
Sometimes I feel a bit "picked on" because my foibles stand out a bit more than those of the next 10 people.
 
today, I was pulled aside and told to clean my desk "before somebody says something."
Um, but you just said something...
 
So I complained to my friend K.
 
Me:   They told me to clean my desk AGAIN!
K:      again?

Me:   And I look down the aisles at some of the desks here and think REALLY?  I need to clean my desk?!   Why is the standard different for me?  Like I used to get picked on for things I wore and now there's that one girl and she dresses so unprofessional.  Does anybody say anything to her?

K:     That I don't know.

Me:   Oh no, K! I've become one of THEM!!!

K: 



 

Me: 

 

 

 

 

They've gotten under my skin and I'm becoming...

ack...

corporate!

 

K:    Come on... don't be a douche canoe*

(insert very loud 1 note laughter as I catch myself from being "inappropriate" at work)

 

Me:  did you hear that?

OMG...

I totally LOL'd

 

K:  thought so

 

B:  now I'm crying!

oh man!

I applaud your perfection!

 

K:  I try, sometimes I'm on.

 

Me:  OK, all that stress -- gone!

 

K:  YAY!

K:   wait til the day they come to you and say you don't look busy enough because there's nothing on your desk

 

 

*you're welcome!



 

 

when is it too much?

What does it say about me that this bugs me?

Stars and Their Pricey Cars

I have a problem with someone affording a $200,000 car.  It seems...excessive! 
Am I wrong? 
I have to ask myself "Where is the line?"
"At what point does something cross over from OK to greedy?" 
I don't know.  But this feels wrong somehow. 
You know what comes to mind?  There are children starving in the world and he's driving a $200,000 car.  That's not (wait for it...) fair.

Yet, I tell my kids daily that life isn't fair.  We were never promised fair.  Even in the Constitution, we are given the right to the PURSUIT of happiness.  There's nothing about fairness or even a promise of happiness itself. 

So is this just jealousy on my part because I want something better?  Except, I don't personally buy things that are expensive (at least not to me).  Perhaps someone who makes significantly less money than I do thinks my spending habits are out of control.  That my living in Irvine is excessive. Where I see that I've worked hard to live someplace I like.

Yeah, I do think people should be free to pursue their dreams and work hard and earn a fair wage.  Perhaps my issue is that certain industries don't seem to have a fair wage?  Entertainment and professional sports seem out of control to me.  Yet, people are willing to pay and who am I to say they cannot spend their money on that?  I'm willing to say I love movies and TV.  I appreciate a really well written and produced show and those people should be rewarded for their talent and work.

It is interesting to me how many topics ultimately come back to God for me.  Perhaps because so many topics ultimately come back to some kind of morality and how does one measure morality without a standard?  That standard comes from God for me. 

Then I wonder, how do we fix these things?  How do we fix extreme poverty?  Why, when we know that on a global scale we have enough food for everyone do people still starve to death?  I believe it is because people can be evil, selfish, greedy, self-serving.  Because they seek to further themselves vs helping those around them.  Corruption in the countries suffering the most where there are extreme differences in what the have's have and the have not's don't.  That corruption ultimately kills.  Greed is bad.  (sorry Michael Douglas)  There is such thing as enough. (?)

However, I don't ultimately believe in socialism because people are not basically good.  We have the same problems with socialism because greedy, power hungry people want to be in charge and often are.  Those who are more motivated by such things often make their way to the top.  Which would be OK with me if they were "fair."

I don't ultimately believe in capitalism because people are not basically good.  (same argument as above with the exception that there is perhaps more opportunity for the have not's to rise)

hmmmm



I think this one is going to take some more thinking.

(don't even get me started on Congress...)

frustrated

So, I met this great Christian counselor and he was amazing!  He talks about spiritual warfare and prayed with me.  I was very encouraged about my marriage from that first meeting.

But my health insurance sucks.  I seriously wonder what exactly I'm paying so much money for because with health insurance I can barely afford to go to the doctor with the deductible looming over my head!

I asked if the counselor would take less money per session and he doesn't do that.  I'm disappointed, but honestly, I totally understand!  He deserves to be paid his wage!

But now I'm feeling even more frustrated because I feel like I've been "teased" into having some hope and now that's been taken away.  Do I suck it up and pay $100 per session or look for someone else?

I feel rejected.
I don't like feeling rejected.

Then it pulls up all the feelings I have about marriage.
I do not want to be divorced but I want to be in a better relationship than I am.

I look at other people who have divorced and now have "good" second marriages and I think am I supposed to do that?  What about the idea I have that divorce is bad?  That I should work on my marriage.  OK, obviously I know I should work on my marriage and that I should avoid divorce, but at what point do I give up?

Sheesh!