feeling blue

I'm generally a fairly happy person.  I may have mentioned this before.)  I'm in the middle of a blue period.  I don't care for it.  It's day 3 of unhappiness and it's a form of torture to be here.  I just want it to stop.

I think...  I need more coffee.  (because coffee is always the answer... oh wait, no that's Jesus.  Jesus is always the answer.)
Coffee doesnt help.
Chocolate?  No dice.
Yes, I am reaching out to Jesus.  I'm praying though not enough.  I'm so uncomfortable that I find myself playing the Netflix and Escape game more than the be still and wait on God responsible activity.

I know --I hope/I believe -- being still and letting God closer will make me feel better.  Why don't I do it?  What silliness or contention is stopping me from at least some kind of relief?  I do not understand myself.

The struggle is real my friends.  It is real.

So I think about how other people feel this way all the time.  I think, man, I'm so happy this isn't too constant in my life.  It's such a burden to bear.  My heart softens a little at this thought.  It is a burden to carry these emotions around.  To be kind to others when you're finding it difficult to be kind to yourself.  To share a smile or work hard at your job when you feel like there is something wrong inside to the point of distraction.

I sit with that for a bit.  It's been banging around inside my head all day actually.  As one of my favorite bloggers reminds us... DEPRESSION LIES!  I know it's not truth.  I wish so much that I could help others understand just how much depression lies and that we can be free of the spiral of self hatred and unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

So... tonight.  I will try to spend more time with God.  I will try to do something productive that I can at least have a few checkmarks on my day as accomplishments.  And tomorrow.  Tomorrow is another day.  (yeah, I just did that.)

Recipe for a better day:

• good nights sleep
• start with God
• COFFEE
• practice smiling
• take a little extra time getting ready so I feel good about myself
• try to stay busy at work
• go on a walk at lunch
• eat decent
• B vitamins

We'll see how I do.

I love podcasts

How I spend time...
listening.
taking notes.
telling others about the great things I've listened and taken notes on.
repeat.

Current favorite podcasts...

• The Phil Vischer Podcast   (Christian discussion of current events and topics)
• I'll even admit to a "spiritual crush" on Skye.  
• Unbelievable  (90 min debate between various Christians and non-Christians)
• Vox (Mike Erre, Christian, various topics)
• Freakonomics  (Various topics from the view point of Economists - seriously interesting)

Podcasts/teachings you really should listen to:

Faith & Doubt 
VOX - Mike Erre
     Mike talks about what faith ISN'T and then moves on to what it is.

Necessity of Doubt, Faith & Doubt part 2
VOX - Mike Erre

     Part 2, Mike gets into more of what faith IS and more about doubt.

My life group is joining our church and reading through the Bible in a year.  We decided to make it a bible study and just talk about what we are learning each week.

No lie, Old Testament (OT) can be hard.  I had to admit that I didn't recognize God in some of the OT.  that opened the discussion up to someone else sharing the same issue and we were able to talk about it.  We ended with the idea that while we don't claim to understand all that we're reading, we do know who our God is and because of that we'll choose to trust Him in our lack of understanding.

That night was Tuesday which means New Phil Vischer Poscast download!  They discussed some of the exact questions we had and gave a different perspective on it.  Wonderful!  Such a lovely answer to our prayer just that evening.

Interpreting the OT and NRB

Phil Vischer Podcast - Phil Visher, Skye Jethani, Dr. John Walton

I'd love to hear your thoughts if you choose to listen to any of these.

surrender

Have I mentioned my current favorite devotional?

https://skyejethani.com/with-god-daily-devotional/


My small group of women are each on a journey.  We have very different lives and seemingly different issues.  As we meet weekly to share and study a book we picked up; we've been (I've been) dissatisfied with the depth of the study we chose.  After 3 weeks, I found myself convicted of my complaining.  If I wanted more depth, my Bible is right there in front of me.  I can always ask God to reveal more to me.  Or... perhaps God wants me to focus on just what is before me.  Am I seeking to feed my pride through some great revelation or understanding I've not had before?  Because pride is a constant companion in my life.  

So I slowed down and looked at what I could glean from the study.  In Acts, comparing Peter and Paul's lives.  My first thought is yada yada yada, been here, done that.  I went through the homework actually being sarcastic at some of the questions asked in the book.  "Really?  That is what you're asking me?"  So I went back over my answers and saw something ... surrender.  They surrendered their lives to the will of God.  LOOK AT THE DIFFERENCE IT MADE IN THE WORLD!  Not just in their own lives, but the world.  Jesus built His church on their lives, their witness, their teaching.  How amazing the idea of surrender is.  

Am I brave enough to truly surrender?

So I shared with our little group.
The next day I read my With God Daily devotional.  It was on love and culture.  God's people were slaves and exiles attempting to live Godly lives stuck in pagan lands.  Then we look at Jesus' incarnation.  The difference is He chose his engagement.  He chose to come down to us and engage, to be a servant, to live with us.  Even in the face of rejection, hatred and murder.

That made me think.
I need to surrender without expecting the other people in my life to behave properly.  My surrendering isn't the ticket to getting what I want or having my problems solved.  Surrender is the role Christ had and it's the role I have.

It's hard.  I'm a fighter.  I think sometimes the greatest battles are won by not fighting back.  God is bigger than these issues.  If we need to rest and recuperate I believe God makes space for that in our lives.  Yet we are called to love, regardless of where we are.  

Where is God calling me to surrender?  Where might God be calling you to surrender?

cough...sputter... surrender

My new favorite devotional is With God by Skye Jethani.

https://skyejethani.com/with-god-daily-devotional/

It's short, he links to scripture, even includes a prayer at the end (though with my current life I don't always have time to get down that far).

More importantly, it's deep.  He builds day to day on the same topic and I find that is really powerful in my life.  Do you ever notice how God speaks to you in multiple ways when He's trying to get your attention?
You hear a sermon at church. You hear the same message in a clip on the radio.  A similar issue comes up in the life of a friend (and now 'magically' you have scripture to pray over them because you've heard it a few times already).  A song comes on the radio and it speaks to that same message from God.  Hey girl, God is speaking to you!  Do you hear His voice?  I hear Him all the time.  I have a friend who like really hears Him.  She's so close to God He practically directs her day.  It's beautiful.  

My message of late is (cough, sputter) surrender.
Can I share that I hate that word?  It makes me afraid and fear is not something I suffer from.  I'm not a worrier, I don't ring my hands over issues generally.  I'm far too pragmatic for such behavior.  Yet, if you enter the word surrender into my life, suddenly I worry, "Oh no, what is God going to ask me for?"  "Do I have to give up everything and go work on a missionary field without access to a good manicurist and my daily cup of oh so carefully made coffee?"*  or worse, will He take me somewhere away from daily access to a computer?  Egaads what would I do? 

The answer to that is... I would, nay -- I will -- do what God calls me to do.
My fear of surrender involves several things.
1.  Giving up my belief that I'm in control.
2.  Giving up my belief that there is control to be had.
3.  Realizing God has the BEST plan for me.
4.  Realizing all my plans are for not without His blessing and guidance.

When I fear being homeless due to some catastrophic event... I hear the Holy Spirit whisper in my ear, I'll be with you should that happen.  Then I think, of the people we are most inspired by, who among them hasn't endured some kind of tragedy?  Who hasn't walked through a fire holding fiercely to Jesus as their endurance?

And I think... OK, surrender.
God's will for my life.
How courageous am I?




*Some could say I don't even drink coffee.  I drink Folgers instant in very specific measure with creamer and sugar.  I don't even let others make it for me.  But still, I love my coffee.

does God want us to enjoy life?

I know many of us enjoy Joyce Meyer’s teaching.  I’m not suggesting you stop listening, but I recently signed up for one of her weekly teachings with a bible study attached and was going through it when I hit the stop button.  

I have to point out that when listening to ANYONE you really need to let the Holy Spirit be a filter of wisdom to what you are hearing.  We are encouraged in Acts 17:11Now the Berean Jews were of more noble character than those in Thessalonica, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true.

To listen and then reason to see if what we are being taught is true.

If you aren’t already aware, there is a lot of concern over some of the things Joyce teaches.  I would be wary of any “name it and claim it”* or “prosperity”* teaching she shares.  *(hereinafter called Gimme Teachers J)

So, what I saw.. FAITH 101: New Life in Christ “Joyce University”God wants you to enjoy your life , and the only way you can do that is to discover and experience the abundant life Jesus gives.

JOHN 10:10 says: The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life , and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows).

The bible does NOT SAY God wants us to enjoy life.  Joyce added this and she added it to scripture without a disclaimer that she was doing so (a rule of thumb I use when listening to teachers)  I did a quick word study** on this to see what the original language was and enjoy is not in the list.

What concerns me is this is a false teaching by others Joyce is associated with. Why is this an issue you may ask? 

The idea that God is primarily concerned with our ENJOYMENT or WEALTH or HAPPINESS is just not true.  Look at the fruit of the spirit:  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness and self-control (I always get a tickle in my throat on the self-control…)

If this is what God seeks to build in our lives, if this is the product of our loving Him and showing others who He is in our lives… I don’t see enjoyment on the list.

Is enjoyment possible?  ABSOLUTELY… but it’s not a biblical directive, it’s a potential side effect of living for God.  My argument with such teaching (and I’m referring to the Gimme Teaching as a whole here, not just Joyce) is that they treat God like a genie or ATM who wants to give us all good things and we just have to ask.

Moms… do we want to give our kids all good things?  Yes.

Is this all we give our kids?  No.

Are some of the good things we give our kids not considered good by our kids?

As parents we must look ahead to the ramifications of behavior.  We are training our children to be good, decent, contributing members of society and yes, we want them to enjoy life and we want to bless them in any way we can… but that desire to bless them is tempered with not spoiling them by giving them everything they ask for.

God identifies himself as our Father and uses this language repeatedly in talking to us about who He is.

I don’t actually put Joyce in the same camp as the other “name it and claim it” or “prosperity” teachers.  She is more biblically correct than they are.  I also think that she speaks really strongly to people with anxiety and fear issues and teaches boldly about these.  That’s why I don’t just cross her off my list of teachers.  I still think we need to “be Bereans” and be wise, checking what we hear with God’s word.

p.s.

** sources for easy word study online  (images of examples below:

• Read NASB version of bible (I usually pull up paralell versions with NIV and NASB to ensure I understand what I’m reading.)
• (I also like AMP Amplified Bible which is the KJV with a commentary kind of built in to the verses.)
• www.biblegateway.com
• John 10:10 – paralell
• https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john%2010%3A10&version=NIV;NASB
  
•  Read the whole paragraph and if necessary the whole chapter.  Remember context is king.
  
• Look up Greek word in Strong's Concordance (and don’t you just love technology?!! You can do that online with a few clicks HERE!)
• 
• Life:
  
• abundantly
  

So it is obvious from this that God wants MORE for our lives and I truly believe that most of us live way below God’s plan for our lives, but I think we focus on temporal things and God focuses on spiritual things.

repentance

I was talking with a friend of mine and had a wonderful revelation.

I have always struggled with understanding some things.  Like, how could David be such a SINNER and be called a man after God’s own heart and righteous and yet part of me identifies with that combination.  I always secretly believed that I could sin and still love God and be close to Him.  There are obviously many issues that come along with that like guilt and the sin separating me from God – except that the sin only separates me from God it doesn’t separate God from me.  God never leaves me.  He never forsakes me.  I forsake Him because of my own guilt.  The parable of the prodigal shows me that.  I believe people who say they are homosexual and love God.  I do not find those two things automatically mutually exclusive because if they are people who commit adultery or have sex outside of marriage but have hetero sex are in big trouble.

I’ve always been taught that repentance means to feel sorry for my sin and then turn away from it.  But that is not the Greek/Biblical definition of repentance.  The Greek definition is to turn away, to be changed from it. (http://biblesuite.com/greek/3340.htm)  This sits well with me.  How else could David be a man after God’s own heart and still commit the egregious sins he committed? 

I wonder how much the enemy has kept us from by keeping us focused on our own guilt instead of on following God balls out (if you’ll excuse the expression) failures and all and just keep going after all He is and all He wants for us.  Our guilt stops us in our tracks because we have the idea that God holds it against us when He tells us he doesn’t.  He gives the example of a loving father (not a bad father) to show us who He is.  He gives us the example of the prodigal who wants to go his own way and takes all God has to give and lives the life he thought he wanted to live and finds himself at the bottom only to discover he’s homesick and wants his daddy again.  When he goes home, there is Dad with open arms waiting expectantly to throw a party for his son’s return.  Is that how you feel after you sin and turn back to God?  Or do you still feel like you’re not good enough?  Like you have to “pay” for what you’ve done.  I think we convince ourselves that some payment is due even though perhaps we don’t give a voice to that semi-unconscious belief.

Throw off all that hinders you.

I am becoming renewed.
I am excited!
I can’t wait to hear what else God wants to tell me.

women in the church

We have it all wrong because we don’t understand how Paul wrote and what God means.

Does Jesus condemn woman as filthy and seductive?  Does He say that our speech is not to be heard?

Does Jesus say that women are less than men?  Less morally capable?  Less intelligent?

Well, the Talmud (oral Jewish law, Pharisees were famous for it… adding to THE Law from God)

Nowhere in the OT does God say that women cannot speak in church.

Go ahead and check. J

Apparently the Talmud does say to silence women.  This sounds much more like a Muslim teaching to me and since they are all from the same line, it’s not a stretch that this teaching would be in both systems.

The Talmud clearly affirms the silence of females:
“A woman’s voice is prohibited because it is sexually provocative” (Talmud, Berachot 24a).
“Women are sexually seductive, mentally inferior, socially embarrassing, and spiritually separated from the law of Moses; therefore, let them be silent” (summary of Talmudic sayings).

“It is a shame for a woman to let her voice be heard among men” (Talmud, Tractate Kiddushin).
“The voice of a woman is filthy nakedness” (Talmud, Berachot Kiddushin).

Does this sound like the voice of Jesus?  Do you think this is the kind of thing He said to the woman at the well?  To the adulteress the crowd was trying to stone?  Does it even sound like Paul?  It really doesn’t.  It sounds like man’s heart.  Like his desire to control and rule over things.  Look around the world and where greed and corruption flourish man is in control without being accountable to God.  Without a relationship with the creator of the world who desires an ongoing and intimate relationship with us.  What I really see above is that man’s heart is evil and corruptible if they think that every time a woman opens her mouth it is sexually provocative.  Typically, in our culture it is men who have the stronger sex drive.  I think it interesting that they try to put their own sins upon the woman.

I don’t see the Bible teaching that spiritual gifts are based on what chromosomes you have.  They are not dependent upon the sex of the recipient.  Thus, woman can have the gifts of teaching and pastorship. 

You can read more at THIS BLOG.
(THISis really good too, though I warn my Catholic friends, you will not like what she has to say)

And my new mantra for when people talk about how wives are to submit to their husbands is to reply… and husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church, even to the point of laying down their life for them.  That’s the kind of man I will submit to!

1 year ago

Post from last march (on another blog I started and didn't keep up with)

This is the first day of the rest of my life.
OK, every day really is the first day.
Today I am taking a step forward in my faith and in my life.
This past retreat weekend I made some changes.

I realized I stepped away from God for a while.
I've been very discouraged.

Trying to make my marriage and my family work.
Trying to have a marriage that isn't in separate rooms all the time.  Where my husband doesn't want to hide in his man cave but be a part of what's going on. 

Trying to be the person I see inside of me but never seem to produce.

So Lord, here we go.  I can see that while I trust in you, I've still been trying awfully hard to do all this in my own strength.  It needs to be Your strength because I think it's pretty obvious, I haven't done so well.


I had a very difficult 2012.  I had a major crisis of faith that is still playing out a bit, but I've mostly decided that not believing in / following God is a life I am not particularly interested in living.  Though my faith isn't so strong as it was and I do miss that.

Be strong and courageous.

today's prayer:
(OK, it's yesterday's prayer but I missed yesterday so I'm doing this one)

Deuteronomy 30:1
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Pray this verse in your own life. Where is God asking you to go? Be strong and courageous.

What I hear/see:

Strong: 

Make good eating choices.

Resist temptation to eat the wrong things or to not be active.

Not allow myself to get distracted and thus waste my time but allow my time to be used wisely. 

Do something constructive daily on my home -- even when I don't feel like it.

Courageous: 

Believe that with God's help, things can and will change. 

Not give up or allow discouragement to gain a foothold. 

Trust that God will redeem my marriage and home.

I want to start DREAMING and following and praying about those dreams.  I don't think I realized I wasn't dreaming before.  I'm still not "feeling" it like I used to.  I used to be super emotional about things and this time I'm not.  Interesting.

living together before marriage?

Why is it wrong to live together before marriage?
A friend of mind is dealing with this dilemma.  We aren't even talking about having sex before marriage, but about living together without the sex (trying to be good and all).

So my initial response is to not do it. 
That's my gut feeling.
So I thought about it.
Why is it wrong?
Appearance of evil is one reason.
Creating an atmosphere of temptation is another.

http://www.businessinsider.com/why-living-together-before-marriage-is-a-bad-idea-infographic-2012-7

I have this strong feeling that it's wrong and damaging to a relationship.  It sets up expectations that may not be fulfilled.

More on this as I process.

frustrated

So, I met this great Christian counselor and he was amazing!  He talks about spiritual warfare and prayed with me.  I was very encouraged about my marriage from that first meeting.

But my health insurance sucks.  I seriously wonder what exactly I'm paying so much money for because with health insurance I can barely afford to go to the doctor with the deductible looming over my head!

I asked if the counselor would take less money per session and he doesn't do that.  I'm disappointed, but honestly, I totally understand!  He deserves to be paid his wage!

But now I'm feeling even more frustrated because I feel like I've been "teased" into having some hope and now that's been taken away.  Do I suck it up and pay $100 per session or look for someone else?

I feel rejected.
I don't like feeling rejected.

Then it pulls up all the feelings I have about marriage.
I do not want to be divorced but I want to be in a better relationship than I am.

I look at other people who have divorced and now have "good" second marriages and I think am I supposed to do that?  What about the idea I have that divorce is bad?  That I should work on my marriage.  OK, obviously I know I should work on my marriage and that I should avoid divorce, but at what point do I give up?

Sheesh!

CHRISTIAN counseling

So I saw a marriage therapist today.
I don't yet know how I'm going to pay for it, but I'm very encouraged.
I saw another therapist, who did in fact help me, but he didn't incorporate Christianity into his counseling and I really wanted that.

This therapist also told me where he was going and what his plans are.  He explained things instead of the frustrating path so many therapists follow where I have to find the solution myself with a slight guidance from them.  I'm intelligent enough to understand and embrace the path!

This therapist also discussed spiritual warfare and it's impact; as well as God's will and plan for my life and marriage.

And then, he prayed with me!