why I'm good at constructive criticism

So I was the girl who cried whenever anybody told me something about myself that I didn't like. It hurt so much.  Definitely struggled with all or nothing thinking (if you say 1 thing bad about me, I must be all bad -- silly really).

I was a walking contradiction: certain I was right and horrified when I was wrong; always worried people didn't like me, yet I was unwilling to change.  Sounds like the perfect recipe to becoming a crazy cat lady on welfare without friends (although cats can count as friends).  While I have crazy cat lady tendencies (I have previously had up to 9 cats, but am down to only 2 now), I have come far on this journey of understanding.  A journey I owe in part to an "argument" a friend of mine had with her husband.

Maddy & Matt wanted a new bed.  Well, Matt wanted a new bed, but he wasn't quite ready to fork out the cash for a new bed so he was kind of stalling.  Maddy wanted the new bed and was pushing.  Typical marital discussion.  Maddy is a typical chick, battling the ever encroaching pounds on a regular basis so Matt figures (well, I'm assuming he thought about it, but one could easily argue he didn't think at all) he has the perfect way to put off the discussion of a new bed.  

"I don't want to buy a new bed until you've lost your weight.  We don't want to ruin it."

(This is where you take a breath and calm down -- unlike my reaction honestly.  
Better?  OK, read on before you seek to hurt Matt.)

My response to this discussion was OUTRAGE!
Maddy's response was laughter.
Laughter?  HOW DO YOU LAUGH AT THAT!??
Then, she explained and began a change in my life that I will be forever grateful for.

Maddy:  I laugh because it's not true.  I'm not so overweight that I'm going to hurt a bed. Matt just doesn't know how to articulate not wanting to buy a bed right now.  He doesn't think I'm overweight to that degree and even if he did think that, it's not true.  If it's not true, I don't need to worry about it.  I just talk to God about the truth and allow Him to guide me and focus on His plans.

I'll be honest, it took a long time for that to fully sink in.  Years later, I've fully embraced this truth and it's amazing!!  

News flash, we aren't perfect!  I'm not perfect, I mess up stuff on a daily basis!  If someone needs to call me on that (and they often do), that's OK.  I can work on the things I need to change and talk with God regularly about what is on the agenda.  It's powerful.

I suck at...

Finances.
You remember that joke, "I can't be out of money I still have checks left?"?  Totally me.  

OK, so it's not that I think I still have money left if I still have checks -- by the way, does anybody still write checks?  It's been so long since I've written a check!  I always feel like writing a check means I'm trying to get away with something because it's so antiquated.  Oh and because of "Catch Me If You Can"  -- it's more than I never think about how much money I have.  OR, I totally underestimate how much money I've spent.  Put those two things together and it will quickly take a second job to manage your overdraft charges.  I used to be able to get them reversed (I don't suck at talking, which I might have mentioned before), but now a days, they take one look at my account and probably think I am a terrible person.

Fortunately, there is a husband in all of this.  A husband who is the opposite of me in almost every way possible.  The plus side of this is he is great with finances.  Frugal and responsible!  After 26 years, he knows how much rope to give me and while I know I often make him a little nuts, he really doesn't complain much.  (I should really do something nice for him.)


Time management.
It shames me to say this.  I see the value and importance of this trait.  It frustrates me in my boss.  I see the irritation in others in meetings etc.  I work on it.  I really do.
I've read the articles (no doubt written by people who are always 10 minutes early to everything) about how people who are late are just too self focused or don't have respect for others.  Honestly, that's not it.  I'm... gosh.  My mind is in 100 places at once.  I so rarely focus on just one thing I'm not even sure how to do it.  (For instance, I've been writing this for an hour and have done 10 other things, stopping and starting...you know how it is.)
My husband tells me I underestimate how long things are going to take.  I think my drive home will be 15 mins (but it takes 30).  I think I can get up, get ready, go to the store, get gas and get to work in 45 mins (it takes 90 minutes).  I think a trip to the craft store involves time stopping from the time I walk IN until the time I walk OUT.  Not true.  I try to do too much and I'm apparently awful at judging time.    

Did I mention I'm working on this?  I have to say, smart hones in many ways are huge helpers on this.  Now I'm setting a new goal of trying to be 10 mins early to everything.  Then, if I have a few minutes left, I can go on facebook or something.  It actually works pretty well.

Putting Things Away.
I don't mind cleaning as long as it involves water.  I'll get in the shower and scrub, I'll clean toilets, I'll wash dishes... no problem.  Don't ask me to clear the table or put my clothes away.  I've always wondered why this is... I don't know but it makes even me crazy.  Something about the process really stresses me out.  It's like all I can think about is getting it over with -- or more accurately, getting away from the task.  

OK, that's enough self loathing for today.  :)

Actually, I don't loath myself. 
My outlook is different.
Failure is how we learn.
It's how we grow.

The Struggle is Real

So, new year.  I, like many others, was very ready for 2016 to be over.  It was a very hard year.  I'm not really a "new year" type of person in that I don't make new year resolutions or think of it as a special time for things to be made new.  I honestly see every day that way.  (That and there is a rebel inside of me that refuses to be like other people.)  Anyway.... new year.  I've been working on some changes for the past 8 months or so.  
Career change that didn't go quite as I planned.  So... another career change with more start up and learning.  I won't lie, I'm overwhelmed.  I'm a little bit discouraged, but I refuse to stop trying.

Sat down to work on my Passion Planner today (love this book) and thought... it's a little slow right now, I'll work on the Passion Plan Roadmap.  Goal is to take 5 mins and write out a wish list for Lifetime / 3 years / 1 year / 3 months.  Write any/everything that comes to mind.

Mine is so small.  I have somewhat small goals.  We've been in this grinder for several years now and I realize through this task how much it impacts hope and future and goals.  It's not like I need to have a plan for world domination or world peace, but my goals feel fairly average.

• Clean home.
• Home I can entertain in.
• Financial Freedom
• Attaining the job I'm now studying for.
• Kids working.
• 1 of my business ideas to start making money.

I'm OK with this list.  These are actually great goals for today.  For the next 3 months.  For the next year.  These are things that need to happen and working towards them -- and accomplishing them -- will lift the pressure in our life.  It will make room for bigger goals.

We have to start somewhere.

I am adding an appointment to my calendar to review my goals in 3 months and see where I am.  Go through this process again.  We'll see where we end up.

I love podcasts

How I spend time...
listening.
taking notes.
telling others about the great things I've listened and taken notes on.
repeat.

Current favorite podcasts...

• The Phil Vischer Podcast   (Christian discussion of current events and topics)
• I'll even admit to a "spiritual crush" on Skye.  
• Unbelievable  (90 min debate between various Christians and non-Christians)
• Vox (Mike Erre, Christian, various topics)
• Freakonomics  (Various topics from the view point of Economists - seriously interesting)

Podcasts/teachings you really should listen to:

Faith & Doubt 
VOX - Mike Erre
     Mike talks about what faith ISN'T and then moves on to what it is.

Necessity of Doubt, Faith & Doubt part 2
VOX - Mike Erre

     Part 2, Mike gets into more of what faith IS and more about doubt.

My life group is joining our church and reading through the Bible in a year.  We decided to make it a bible study and just talk about what we are learning each week.

No lie, Old Testament (OT) can be hard.  I had to admit that I didn't recognize God in some of the OT.  that opened the discussion up to someone else sharing the same issue and we were able to talk about it.  We ended with the idea that while we don't claim to understand all that we're reading, we do know who our God is and because of that we'll choose to trust Him in our lack of understanding.

That night was Tuesday which means New Phil Vischer Poscast download!  They discussed some of the exact questions we had and gave a different perspective on it.  Wonderful!  Such a lovely answer to our prayer just that evening.

Interpreting the OT and NRB

Phil Vischer Podcast - Phil Visher, Skye Jethani, Dr. John Walton

I'd love to hear your thoughts if you choose to listen to any of these.

coffee

that is all...

sneezing

A coworker of mine sneezes.
a lot
She sneezes at least 4 times a day.
She sneezes loud and long and colorfully. (sound wise, it has kind of a flourish to it like she's on stage)
She sneezes with a variety of endings.  I wish there was an accurate way to share this experience with you.  It's really more of an audio thing and somehow I don't think anybody would appreciate me trying to record her.

noisy

I'm at work, doing something repetitive.  This offers the opportunity to listen to a book on tape (Audible is my friend).  I talk to the characters.  I don't always realize I'm doing it.  I'm kind of in the zone of work and book.  
I comment on the story or a plot twist...
"Oh my!"
"No!?"
I laugh.
Sometimes people ask me if I'm talking to them.  Um, no, I'm actually talking to my book.

I listen to books when I'm out and about too.  I talk to the people (in my book) while in public.  (I now wonder if people just give me a wide berth or if they assume I'm on the phone since that's a thing now.)

I realize... I am noisy.

I laugh loud and often.  My laugh is rather instantly recognizable as my own.  In fact, I've been recognized by people having just heard my laugh bursting forth (while perusing humorous greeting cards, alone, in a store, just for the sake of enjoying them).  

I talk loud.  Lord only knows what I'll be like when I start losing my hearing.

Wait, what?
Oh, 12:30.

Sorry, that's an ongoing joke I have with my Mom (69) who is losing her hearing, and my daughter (15).

I have a friend who I describe to others as "making me look quiet or introverted."  What I find so fun about this description is that she describes me the same way.  (I wonder who's right?)

I find that I often whisper what I'm writing.  I catch myself doing this all the time.  Is that normal?

One thing I do that I know everyone does is talk to other people while driving.  I'll admit, I'm not always saying the nicest things, but sometimes I say... "Oh go ahead, you're probably having a bad day and I hope my letting you get over at the last possible minute helps you get to where you're going on time."  But... that's probably not the most common comment I make.

I talk to the TV.  I comment on what's going on, or that person should look behind them, or really, did they just say that?

My husband doesn't really like to sit near me in the movies.  I sincerely don't even realize I'm doing it.  I make comments while in the theater.  Honestly, I would probably drive myself crazy if I were more aware of it.  I do try to be quiet.  Maybe that's why I started whispering to myself when I write or type.  A way to use up more of the words I have stored for daily use inside my brain.  

Once, another friend and I ended up at the same IHOP for breakfast with our kids.
They heard me laugh

Kids:  "Oh Miss B is here!"
Mom:  "Oh, wow, is my laugh that loud?!"
Kids:  "No Mom, you're louder!"

Then my kids had the exact same conversation with me... but in that conversation, I was louder.  I guess that goes to slight embarrassment factor.  Though my daughter claims she is now inoculated against being embarrassed by me.  (I could totally get my son though!) 

So... this is me saying... yes.  I'm noisy.
I talk to myself.
I talk to the radio.
I talk to the TV.
I talk to my audio books.
I LOVE talking to people (I don't mind listening either...)
I talk when I'm writing.
I talk in my sleep.

But I'm OK with it.

(possibly because I am not on the receiving end of most of it... but, possibly because I'm just mostly OK with me.) ♥